My story

I am Lieven. I make music as Moosjer, and I have spent a long time looking for ways to feel a little more at ease in life. Some days go better than others. That belongs in this story too.

Understanding and feeling

I spent more than ten years in different forms of talking therapy. I learned a great deal. Yet understanding something intellectually did not necessarily bring a sense of calm to my body.

My body is often tense. In my own experience, thoughts sometimes follow that tension and then reinforce it. I occasionally compare thinking to breathing. Both happen largely on their own, although we can influence them consciously to some extent. Unfortunately, my ‘please stop for a moment’ button is not particularly reliable.

Difficult times

At one point in my life, I attempted suicide. I want to acknowledge that plainly, because silence does not reduce the taboo around suicide and mental health difficulties.

It is part of my history. I share it because I want to be honest about my search, including the parts that have been painful.

What bodywork helped me experience

From 2020 to 2024, I completed Connected Living at Agape Academy. Those four years introduced me to body-oriented work, experiential exercises, group processes and coaching. Later, I assisted with three series of bioenergetic exercises and gained experience with breathing circles and facilitated group processes.

My attention shifted towards how tension, sadness, anger and connection can feel in the body. During my training, I discovered how meaningful it could be for me to express emotions in the presence of others.

Anger, for example. Shouting itself could reduce my physical tension. But being heard and seen mattered at least as much. Nobody silenced me. And sometimes that anger gave way to sadness and tears.

That is how I experienced it. It is not a recipe I want to apply to somebody else. Nobody needs to amplify or release an emotion to have a meaningful experience.

What actually changed

People around me see a clear change. I have grown in my work and carry responsibility for a team. I have a good relationship with Charlotte. I take better care of myself and understand my boundaries more clearly.

Still, it does not feel as though all the underlying tension has disappeared.

My boundaries have not really changed, but I respect them more now.

I do not suddenly wake up with a completely different operating system. Windows yesterday, Mac OS today, and everything running smoothly. If only it were that simple. Some parts of me remain. Mostly, I am learning to live with them differently.

Feeling less separate

I long for connection, but social contact does not always come easily to me. Physical tension often plays a part. Sometimes I feel different or separate.

Connection can come more easily in a setting where I feel safe. I used to experience that in team sports, for instance. Bodywork and closeness have also taught me a lot about it.

For me, it is not necessarily about having more social contact. It is about feeling less separate. Finding people around whom I do not constantly have to defend my boundaries. And learning to notice when I want contact, or when I need some rest.

Learning to live with who I am

We do not have to become someone we are not yet. Perhaps we can mainly learn to live with who we already are.

I increasingly question the idea that personal development means becoming a fundamentally different person. Some vulnerabilities may remain. At the same time, there is room for music, pleasure, love, relaxation and everyday life.

My difficulties have not all disappeared. But I am learning to care for myself, respect my boundaries and seek out people with whom I feel safe. That can mean a great deal, even when it happens in small steps.